Someone asked me today if I thought I was one of the 'good singers' at karaoke and if I would sing to him if he called me (uh...NO)...I figured I'd let him decide if I was a good singer or not since that's a matter of opinion. So I created the following video just for kicks using a track I recorded a few years ago at my friend's studio. I originally planned to use random photos from my collection just to have something to look at while the song played. But of course, I got carried away and invested a few hours into improvising something that had meaning. This is the result. Thanks, Chuck for being the catalyst! LOL!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Purging the poison
As I adjust to life on my own I am experiencing some crazy ups and downs. Which I guess is normal. But today I feel called to finally lay down what has happened over the last few years so that its damage will not affect what God has in store for my life on all fronts.
When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person.
I was supposed to grow old with this person. We were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to walk with God together. All the promises, all the dreams. So many things I trusted would at least be worked toward. Instead I found myself living a nightmare that I never saw coming. This is the point where I usually stop and make positive statements about the person so as to protect them to some degree and qualify that I'm sure I was not always perfect...But tonight, I'm not going to. Tonight I am getting up off the floor and saying without qualification, I was lied to, misled, treated like a second rate girl, denied what I had saved myself for and then lied to again. And again.
And
IT. WAS. WRONG.
I will stand beside anyone who has struggles. We all have them. But I will no more excuse outright deception. Evil has to be called what it is.
This person stole from my past but will not steal my future.
I am leaving the burden and the grief here. I refuse to let the sickness of what has been poison what good things God has for me. I will trust God, be patient with His timing, believe in the person He created me to be.
I will live.
And life is good.
When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person.
I was supposed to grow old with this person. We were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to walk with God together. All the promises, all the dreams. So many things I trusted would at least be worked toward. Instead I found myself living a nightmare that I never saw coming. This is the point where I usually stop and make positive statements about the person so as to protect them to some degree and qualify that I'm sure I was not always perfect...But tonight, I'm not going to. Tonight I am getting up off the floor and saying without qualification, I was lied to, misled, treated like a second rate girl, denied what I had saved myself for and then lied to again. And again.
And
IT. WAS. WRONG.
I will stand beside anyone who has struggles. We all have them. But I will no more excuse outright deception. Evil has to be called what it is.
This person stole from my past but will not steal my future.
I am leaving the burden and the grief here. I refuse to let the sickness of what has been poison what good things God has for me. I will trust God, be patient with His timing, believe in the person He created me to be.
I will live.
And life is good.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Goal list
These have been sitting in my Bible since I wrote them down sometime in the winter. I'm finally getting around to journaling them. currently, these are my lifetime dreams and goals which could obviously change or morph over time...
In no particular order:
1. Visit Australia
2. Visit St. Croix
3. Teach Sozo
4. Have one week without worry
5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation
6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST
7. Cut a CD
8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team
9. Go horseback riding again
10. Knit something ridiculously cool
11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah
12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list.
13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ
14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!).
15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cultivate such a relationship with them that the supernatural is natural.
16 . Get rid of all religious lies
17. Walk confidently in complete and total freedom in Christ.
In no particular order:
1. Visit Australia
2. Visit St. Croix
3. Teach Sozo
4. Have one week without worry
5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation
6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST
7. Cut a CD
8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team
9. Go horseback riding again
10. Knit something ridiculously cool
11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah
12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list.
13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ
14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!).
15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cultivate such a relationship with them that the supernatural is natural.
16 . Get rid of all religious lies
17. Walk confidently in complete and total freedom in Christ.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Carpe Diem is in the Bible! :)
I was reading my Bible last night (Message Version) and this was what I stumbled upon:
"Jesus said, 'no procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's Kingdom off til tomorrow. SEIZE THE DAY'"
- Luke 9:62
Woohoo!
"Jesus said, 'no procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's Kingdom off til tomorrow. SEIZE THE DAY'"
- Luke 9:62
Woohoo!
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Carpe Diem - Days 2 and 3
Funny how when you step out of comfort zones you get...well...uncomfortable! Saturday and Sunday were kinda weird...I worried alot. I second guessed a lot...I imagine I'll have lot of that until I get my full grown Eagle's wings... :)
Saturday I saw my girlies at Zen and Now...Theresa and Tracy played "Guido" and got the decree signed for me because I didn't really feel like dealing with the ex - we always end up arguing. I hate that...Harmony is one of my top 5 strengths. Disharmony eats away at me. And I'm not in a place where I can yet let go of my irritation. Planning to maybe take care of that tonight at Monday group - a little clean-up mini-sozo - offering up forgiveness in the presence of supportive friends. Hopefully one day we'll have peace with each other. We're both good people at heart. We just aren't good together.
I took the puppers to the dog park yesterday afternoon. Sometimes I forget to appreciate them. They are such blessings...I watched Bentley run around like he was a youngin', looking happy and free. You'd never know his little heart was such a mess. God has sustained him so much! Sketch is so silly. He's in the little dog park for 30 seconds and he thinks it's his...He'd bark at all the massive dogs headed over to the big dog area and kick up the dirt as if they'd be scared...LOL! I worked on a prayer map for a friend while they played. And then we headed home.
Next big project: Begin setting things in motion for the staged reading of my screenplay. That means getting a cast together for that and securing a date and location, then setting up a rehearsal schedule. This reading will help me hear the script and make any changes that I need to. Kind of like a test run before getting into real production. This is my big God dream...The one that is so ridiculously out of my capapbility that I have to rely on Father God for it to get done...I just hope and pray that it is indeed something He is blessing!
Saturday I saw my girlies at Zen and Now...Theresa and Tracy played "Guido" and got the decree signed for me because I didn't really feel like dealing with the ex - we always end up arguing. I hate that...Harmony is one of my top 5 strengths. Disharmony eats away at me. And I'm not in a place where I can yet let go of my irritation. Planning to maybe take care of that tonight at Monday group - a little clean-up mini-sozo - offering up forgiveness in the presence of supportive friends. Hopefully one day we'll have peace with each other. We're both good people at heart. We just aren't good together.
I took the puppers to the dog park yesterday afternoon. Sometimes I forget to appreciate them. They are such blessings...I watched Bentley run around like he was a youngin', looking happy and free. You'd never know his little heart was such a mess. God has sustained him so much! Sketch is so silly. He's in the little dog park for 30 seconds and he thinks it's his...He'd bark at all the massive dogs headed over to the big dog area and kick up the dirt as if they'd be scared...LOL! I worked on a prayer map for a friend while they played. And then we headed home.
Next big project: Begin setting things in motion for the staged reading of my screenplay. That means getting a cast together for that and securing a date and location, then setting up a rehearsal schedule. This reading will help me hear the script and make any changes that I need to. Kind of like a test run before getting into real production. This is my big God dream...The one that is so ridiculously out of my capapbility that I have to rely on Father God for it to get done...I just hope and pray that it is indeed something He is blessing!
Carpe Diem Day 1
It all began Friday night. My friend Jim was playing piano at The Syndicate. I had a couple of friends who were going to go with me to see him. But they were called away by cleaning duty at home. So I was left wondering if I should journey down to the piano bar alone. That's when Paul said:
"Carpe Diem...You should go".
...So I did. And had a wonderful evening. Jim played at this huge white Grand Piano which made me think of my beloved Barry Manilow. :) He was taking requests so I asked for "Desperado". I love that song and it brings back a wonderful memory I have of riding in a convertible with Allen across the California desert back in the 90s. Following that someone (not me, I swear!) requested "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. So Jim sang that one and then went right into another Manilow tune "Could it be Magic" - one of my favorites. I listened to the music while writing a letter to Gina - my oldest and dearest friend. I also talked to Jesus for a bit in my journal. Then Jim asked if I wanted to sing something...Yikes! We stumbled through "Open Arms" and I forgot the words to the second verse. Yay for me!
After he was finished playing we went to a sports bar down the street and caught up on stuff. It was good to talk to him. He was also recently divorced and so we had that experience to share. Also were able to talk about what all went down when I left the church I know him from to attend Vineyard Westside full time. I wouldn't have left if I hadn't felt that God was calling me to something else and needed my attention at VWS. To this day I miss the Shiloh worship team. Not singing at church is one of the very few downsides to my walk with Vineyard WS.
The night ended when the drunken frat boys at the booth behind us got too rowdy. Jim walked me to my car and we chatted a few more minutes.
I Finally got in at 2:30 am, party animal that I have become!
Day Seized...And I found God in it (as always!) by reconnecting with a friend and having time to write and pray.
"Carpe Diem...You should go".
...So I did. And had a wonderful evening. Jim played at this huge white Grand Piano which made me think of my beloved Barry Manilow. :) He was taking requests so I asked for "Desperado". I love that song and it brings back a wonderful memory I have of riding in a convertible with Allen across the California desert back in the 90s. Following that someone (not me, I swear!) requested "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. So Jim sang that one and then went right into another Manilow tune "Could it be Magic" - one of my favorites. I listened to the music while writing a letter to Gina - my oldest and dearest friend. I also talked to Jesus for a bit in my journal. Then Jim asked if I wanted to sing something...Yikes! We stumbled through "Open Arms" and I forgot the words to the second verse. Yay for me!
After he was finished playing we went to a sports bar down the street and caught up on stuff. It was good to talk to him. He was also recently divorced and so we had that experience to share. Also were able to talk about what all went down when I left the church I know him from to attend Vineyard Westside full time. I wouldn't have left if I hadn't felt that God was calling me to something else and needed my attention at VWS. To this day I miss the Shiloh worship team. Not singing at church is one of the very few downsides to my walk with Vineyard WS.
The night ended when the drunken frat boys at the booth behind us got too rowdy. Jim walked me to my car and we chatted a few more minutes.
I Finally got in at 2:30 am, party animal that I have become!
Day Seized...And I found God in it (as always!) by reconnecting with a friend and having time to write and pray.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Carpe Diem
A friend of mine said this to me last night and I don't think he realized when he said it that it would become something so meaningful. I am going to take the rest of the summer to walk out this concept of seizing the day. I have lived a life of fear and in recent years God has been ridding me of it. I have stepped into things that I never would have before without analyzing and hyper-spiritualizing it to the point of paralysis.
What I have learned quite clearly in recent days is that you can follow all the 'rules' and the 'they says' and still end up flat on your ass. So I have been taking the bull by the horns a lot more than I used to and it has been great! I have scraped my knees a few times and taken a horn in the gut more than once. But it beats sitting on the sidelines worrying. I used to think that living life this way was ungodly...I mean, what if you make a mistake? What if you do something bad? What if...What if...What if..?
Well, WHAT IF???
What if God's love for me is so great, and Jesus' provision of grace so complete and the Holy Spirit's leading so perfect that I can step out onto nothing and still be held fast? What if when I fall, God is big enough to help me up, kiss my boo-boos and send me on my way again? What if it is completely possible to find Jesus wherever I go and whatever I do? Rob Bell in "Velvet Elvis" reminds me that all things are mine because I belong to Jesus. Everything on the Earth and in the heavens belongs to Him, and I am in Him and he is in the Father and we are one. What if the best way to work stuff out is to live it out, knowing that as long as I have my eyes on Him I'll be OK? And even if I lose sight for a time, He'll swoop down and catch me - like a parent eagle teaching his eaglet to soar.
So, I'm Seizing Life. My parents raised me well, they taught me well. I am going to take that and the wisdom that God gave me as a spiritual gift and I'm going to run the race. Not beating myself up if I trip and fall but getting back up and keeping pace with the rest of the Saints on the road!
Who wants to join me!!!
CARPE DIEM!
What I have learned quite clearly in recent days is that you can follow all the 'rules' and the 'they says' and still end up flat on your ass. So I have been taking the bull by the horns a lot more than I used to and it has been great! I have scraped my knees a few times and taken a horn in the gut more than once. But it beats sitting on the sidelines worrying. I used to think that living life this way was ungodly...I mean, what if you make a mistake? What if you do something bad? What if...What if...What if..?
Well, WHAT IF???
What if God's love for me is so great, and Jesus' provision of grace so complete and the Holy Spirit's leading so perfect that I can step out onto nothing and still be held fast? What if when I fall, God is big enough to help me up, kiss my boo-boos and send me on my way again? What if it is completely possible to find Jesus wherever I go and whatever I do? Rob Bell in "Velvet Elvis" reminds me that all things are mine because I belong to Jesus. Everything on the Earth and in the heavens belongs to Him, and I am in Him and he is in the Father and we are one. What if the best way to work stuff out is to live it out, knowing that as long as I have my eyes on Him I'll be OK? And even if I lose sight for a time, He'll swoop down and catch me - like a parent eagle teaching his eaglet to soar.
So, I'm Seizing Life. My parents raised me well, they taught me well. I am going to take that and the wisdom that God gave me as a spiritual gift and I'm going to run the race. Not beating myself up if I trip and fall but getting back up and keeping pace with the rest of the Saints on the road!
Who wants to join me!!!
CARPE DIEM!
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