Fun with Movie Maker

Someone asked me today if I thought I was one of the 'good singers' at karaoke and if I would sing to him if he called me (uh...NO)...I figured I'd let him decide if I was a good singer or not since that's a matter of opinion. So I created the following video just for kicks using a track I recorded a few years ago at my friend's studio. I originally planned to use random photos from my collection just to have something to look at while the song played. But of course, I got carried away and invested a few hours into improvising something that had meaning. This is the result. Thanks, Chuck for being the catalyst! LOL!

Purging the poison

As I adjust to life on my own I am experiencing some crazy ups and downs. Which I guess is normal. But today I feel called to finally lay down what has happened over the last few years so that its damage will not affect what God has in store for my life on all fronts.

When you're married, you're locked into a particular mindset - an idea of the future. And even though it might not be what it should be, it does provide some amount of stability. So when that old, comfortable rug (no matter how bad its condition) is pulled out from under your feet, it turns even the familiar on its end. Through God's divine grace, I have been returned to where I started when this all began. My mom lives in the apartment below, I am single and enjoying the adventure thereof, I have the perfect job. Do-overs are a blessing. However, it is also impossible to pretend that I am the same person I was then. Because there's this span of time that happened. Years given to another person.

I was supposed to grow old with this person. We were supposed to be a team. We were supposed to walk with God together. All the promises, all the dreams. So many things I trusted would at least be worked toward. Instead I found myself living a nightmare that I never saw coming. This is the point where I usually stop and make positive statements about the person so as to protect them to some degree and qualify that I'm sure I was not always perfect...But tonight, I'm not going to. Tonight I am getting up off the floor and saying without qualification, I was lied to, misled, treated like a second rate girl, denied what I had saved myself for and then lied to again. And again.

And

IT. WAS. WRONG.

I will stand beside anyone who has struggles. We all have them. But I will no more excuse outright deception. Evil has to be called what it is.

This person stole from my past but will not steal my future.

I am leaving the burden and the grief here. I refuse to let the sickness of what has been poison what good things God has for me. I will trust God, be patient with His timing, believe in the person He created me to be.

I will live.

And life is good.

Goal list

These have been sitting in my Bible since I wrote them down sometime in the winter. I'm finally getting around to journaling them. currently, these are my lifetime dreams and goals which could obviously change or morph over time...

In no particular order:

1. Visit Australia

2. Visit St. Croix

3. Teach Sozo

4. Have one week without worry

5. Grow to a point of complete trust in my salvation

6. Meet a man I can love and TRUST

7. Cut a CD

8. Sing on the VWS Praise Team

9. Go horseback riding again

10. Knit something ridiculously cool

11. Visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah

12. Meet the remaining favorite celebs that I have on my list.

13. See certain loved ones get set free and/or find Christ

14. Sing with David Phelps (even if it's just "Happy Birthday"!).

15. Spend time with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit everyday and cultivate such a relationship with them that the supernatural is natural.

16 . Get rid of all religious lies

17. Walk confidently in complete and total freedom in Christ.

Carpe Diem is in the Bible! :)

I was reading my Bible last night (Message Version) and this was what I stumbled upon:

"Jesus said, 'no procrastination. No backward looks. You can't put God's Kingdom off til tomorrow. SEIZE THE DAY'"

- Luke 9:62

Woohoo!

Carpe Diem - Days 2 and 3

Funny how when you step out of comfort zones you get...well...uncomfortable! Saturday and Sunday were kinda weird...I worried alot. I second guessed a lot...I imagine I'll have lot of that until I get my full grown Eagle's wings... :)

Saturday I saw my girlies at Zen and Now...Theresa and Tracy played "Guido" and got the decree signed for me because I didn't really feel like dealing with the ex - we always end up arguing. I hate that...Harmony is one of my top 5 strengths. Disharmony eats away at me. And I'm not in a place where I can yet let go of my irritation. Planning to maybe take care of that tonight at Monday group - a little clean-up mini-sozo - offering up forgiveness in the presence of supportive friends. Hopefully one day we'll have peace with each other. We're both good people at heart. We just aren't good together.

I took the puppers to the dog park yesterday afternoon. Sometimes I forget to appreciate them. They are such blessings...I watched Bentley run around like he was a youngin', looking happy and free. You'd never know his little heart was such a mess. God has sustained him so much! Sketch is so silly. He's in the little dog park for 30 seconds and he thinks it's his...He'd bark at all the massive dogs headed over to the big dog area and kick up the dirt as if they'd be scared...LOL! I worked on a prayer map for a friend while they played. And then we headed home.

Next big project: Begin setting things in motion for the staged reading of my screenplay. That means getting a cast together for that and securing a date and location, then setting up a rehearsal schedule. This reading will help me hear the script and make any changes that I need to. Kind of like a test run before getting into real production. This is my big God dream...The one that is so ridiculously out of my capapbility that I have to rely on Father God for it to get done...I just hope and pray that it is indeed something He is blessing!

Carpe Diem

A friend of mine said this to me last night and I don't think he realized when he said it that it would become something so meaningful. I am going to take the rest of the summer to walk out this concept of seizing the day. I have lived a life of fear and in recent years God has been ridding me of it. I have stepped into things that I never would have before without analyzing and hyper-spiritualizing it to the point of paralysis.

What I have learned quite clearly in recent days is that you can follow all the 'rules' and the 'they says' and still end up flat on your ass. So I have been taking the bull by the horns a lot more than I used to and it has been great! I have scraped my knees a few times and taken a horn in the gut more than once. But it beats sitting on the sidelines worrying. I used to think that living life this way was ungodly...I mean, what if you make a mistake? What if you do something bad? What if...What if...What if..?

Well, WHAT IF???

What if God's love for me is so great, and Jesus' provision of grace so complete and the Holy Spirit's leading so perfect that I can step out onto nothing and still be held fast? What if when I fall, God is big enough to help me up, kiss my boo-boos and send me on my way again? What if it is completely possible to find Jesus wherever I go and whatever I do? Rob Bell in "Velvet Elvis" reminds me that all things are mine because I belong to Jesus. Everything on the Earth and in the heavens belongs to Him, and I am in Him and he is in the Father and we are one. What if the best way to work stuff out is to live it out, knowing that as long as I have my eyes on Him I'll be OK? And even if I lose sight for a time, He'll swoop down and catch me - like a parent eagle teaching his eaglet to soar.

So, I'm Seizing Life. My parents raised me well, they taught me well. I am going to take that and the wisdom that God gave me as a spiritual gift and I'm going to run the race. Not beating myself up if I trip and fall but getting back up and keeping pace with the rest of the Saints on the road!

Who wants to join me!!!

CARPE DIEM!

Fired up....

As a former Pharisee, I am possibly acting like a reformed smoker here but man, these folks ticked me off! A Christian comedian left a status message on Facebook that said:

Evangelical Christians are so pro-marriage that 50% of us do it again

Ok, I know what he was driving at...But of course the majority of the responses were things like "Yeah! What's wrong with people", "Way to speak the truth, man!" "I've been married for 8 bajillion years and I'm all that because I have it all figured out!"...You know what I'm talking about. Well, since this hit close to home, I replied with:

"A large percentage of Christians also think it's OK to shame other Christians for their failures."

Which of course drew the age old 'we're supposed to label sin as sin...Paul tells us so...We're not being judgmental when we say that something that is wrong is wrong" And other such generalities. Some folks actually believed that most people divorce over one spouse leaving their socks on the floor...I mean, WTF?

I tell you, I'm not really struggling with shame anymore for divorcing, God has set me right about that...I am ashamed that I used to be one of these haughty people...God has shown me so much of my own pride lately...OUCH. I put my response here as a record of where I came from and where I am going (which I hope is closer and closer to the authentic message of the Gospel) Truthfully, this could have been written TO me just a few years ago when I thought I had life all figured out and that I was smarter than everyone else because I could quote Scripture. Now I think I get it.

Well, folks, until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes, it's kind of hard to decide if their divorce was sinful. Do you know my story? Do you understand what happened between my husband and me that caused the destruction of our marriage? Do you understand how long we stayed together trying to make it work? Do you know the relationship I have with my Father God and how He led me through all this and how he told me from the start that He would be with me no matter which way I chose? And that HE is the one who began pulling me away from a sick cycle that was killing both of us? You all like it when someone stands up and speaks Truth - well, here's something, take your 'church discipline' and your legalism and go look in a mirror. The heart of the gospel is LOVE. Our Lord sets boundaries for us to live in so that we are safe. Guidelines to measure our hearts and make us decide if we are loving one another and the Lord. It isn't about slavery to the 'law' or about sitting on our high horses proclaiming one another's actions as sinful.

What makes any of you qualified to make a blanket statement that a Christian should be 'ashamed' of themselves for divorcing when you have no way of knowing what they have walked through?

The early church was a collection of small communities wherein people knew each other and walked with each other, were familiar with one another's struggles and could speak from that place of understanding, as has my beautiful church family who has held me, loved me, challenged me, listened when I was broken inside. No one dragged me through shame and guilt. And neither does Jesus.

If you want to judge me, go to my Father God and accuse me. I'm certain He will tell you, "I know this situation and it's not yours to speak into. Go about your own business."